I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We're using joints as your birthday candles
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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