Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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