I looked at my own cervix.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
