went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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