it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I cut my penus on the lid.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
