He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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