We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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