We named our party play list daddy issues
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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