I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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