I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
