This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
