No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
