Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
