I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
