How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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