it hurts more in the daytime
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
