Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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