I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
