Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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