took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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