your parents love me but you hate me
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
