I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
