k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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