I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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