Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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