Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
