in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize