I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
