just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
