its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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