How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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