my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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