I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
