How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
