my vag is so smooth its legendary
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
