The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
