Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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