im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
