Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
