Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
