Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
