she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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