I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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