That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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