In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
