The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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