Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
