You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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