i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
