Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You dont lie about slip and slides
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
