So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
