I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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