Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
