wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
