go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
