when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
