Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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