my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
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She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
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I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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