Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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